even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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