I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
