His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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