There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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