I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
