I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
