I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
