How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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