my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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