My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
