I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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