I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This is the high leading the old right now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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