did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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