I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
