I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
how drunk are you?
Several
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
