I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
