I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
