Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
