so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
