Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
