I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
