After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
