My liver just broke up with me...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
