hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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