i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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