Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
