So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
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Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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