he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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