it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
