I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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