Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
