I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
