New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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