It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He passed out mid-signature
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
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Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I would fuck him just for his dog
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize