NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
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I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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