I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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