I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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