I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
