When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
