I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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