If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
