we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
