I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
