Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
