She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
