The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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