i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
