It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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