apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
