SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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