This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
