I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
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i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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