I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
