he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
